FOR WASHING YOUR PENIS
"There is nothing in life
more important than
having a clean penis."
I have spent the better part of my adult life as a world-renowned psychologist and author attempting to ingrain the importance of proper genital maintenance in the ethos men and boys across the world. Although my controversial 12 Rules for Life: An Antidote to Chaos stresses penile cleanliness as a cornerstone of an effective life, I still believe that too many men in the Western world are all too content to walk around with what I have termed “day-old coleslaw crotch” -- from up-and-coming students to business professionals.
An unclean, unwashed penis is the rotting foundation upon which the masculine spirit will collapse, and following these 12 rules, you can strengthen the foundation of your manhood, your identity, and stave off the gnawing anxiety thrust upon you by the politically correct modern interpretation of gender.
Of course, this step seems like a given. I have briefly touched upon this step during my past speaking engagements, but I will reiterate in hope to avoid any miscommunication. In order for one to keep their penis clean, one must be fully aware of whether or not they are, in fact, in possession of a penis. For the more portly readers, you can locate your penis by gripping your stomach by the roll and lifting upwards. If you are not so fat that you need to locate your penis via stomach readjustment, you may need to ask yourself why you are evening questioning whether or not you have a penis in the first place? Are you actually a woman? Was your penis chewed off by a particularly aggressive breed of dog? Did one of the more extreme sects of Eastern religion remove your penis at birth as part of their irrational belief in spiritual rituals?
Unfortunately, if any of the above hypotheticals apply to you, this website cannot help you, but I do wish you the best in your attempt to navigate your world post-penis.
As the old adage goes, “Practice Makes Perfect”. Naturally, the time-tested saying applies here, too. Just as one must practice keeping their living space and bedroom clean. To give you an example on just how horrifying some mistakes can be, I met a young man in London, Ontario who attempted to wash his penis with a mixture of ammonia and bleach. Although he did truly wish to embrace his masculinity and wash his penis, he accidentally made a very dangerous gas that killed his brother and covered his penis and testicles in severe chemical burns. This is why it is incredibly important to first practice on other penises. Personally, my practice came during my time studying at McGill University, and I cannot stress enough that I would not be the man I am today without the dozens of penises I was able to clean before I risked potentially damaging my own. To maximize productivity, one must practice the correct penis cleaning techniques if they wish to fully reach their masculine potential. However, many men and boys are unaware of the inherent dangers that come with penile hygiene.
Not only will water consumption at this level help you maintain a neat, clean penis, but it will also improve your life in many other aspects. You may have heard anecdotes about the amount of water American NFL Quarterback Tom Brady drinks daily, and how it would kill a normal person. This is actually true. Drinking up to 6 Liters of water a day is very capable of killing you . One may remember an American radio station that held a contest called “Hold your wee for a Wii”, in which participants were encouraged to consume as much water as they could without relieving themselves. In the end, one woman was actually killed due to water poisoning. Of course, the female bladder is not prepared to handle that volume of water, but women also don’t need to worry about penile hygiene.
(cont.) Consuming at least 6 liters of water every day will guarantee that your hands are on your penis at least a dozen times a day, as you will constantly be using the toilet. This is a “two birds, one stone” benefit - if your penis is dirty, you’ll be apprehensive to touch it, which drastically raises the chance that you spray urine everywhere every time you relieve yourself. No real man would ever do such a disgusting thing, so you’ll be inclined to clean your penis even on days when you are not on top of your game. The other obvious benefit is that you will remember to wash your hands every time you urinate, because both of them will have been firmly gripping your pristine penis up to twenty times per day.
If you are one of the filthy-handed, cheeto-eating denizens of the internet, this rule is for you. A clean penis is the most important thing for any man in any situation, but the second most important thing is clean hands. If you are anything like me, you’ve been forced by social conventions to shake hands with someone with filthy, dirt encrusted hands, and I bet I could guess exactly what thought ran through your head as a vague cabbage odor drifted from his palms into your nostrils - “This man has a disgustingly unclean penis.” To the uninitiated, it may seem counterproductive to go out of your way to use both hands to grip your penis. Dirty hands can sully a clean penis, or a dirty penis can ruin perfectly manicured hands. You see, the importance to this rule lies underneath the mundane advice.
(cont.) To improve upon an Eastern philosophical concept, the clean hands/clean penis dualism is like the yin and the yang. If you adhere to the rule of two hands always being required to touch your penis, one may not exist without the other. The two are joined at the hip, just as your hands must be joined on your penis.
The final benefit to this rule is feeling a closer connection the masculine ideal that is currently and constantly under attack in Western society. How could you possibly feel feminized with each of your rugged hands wrapped around your freshly-scrubbed penis.
Many people who believe in the importance of the penis such as i do advocate for either as little masturbation as possible or as much masturbation as one wants. I, however, understand that this is a foolish and outdated line of thinking. Every fall, something called “No Nut/Fap November” takes the internet by storm. It is a movement designed to test the endurance and willpower of men across the globe. The goal is simple - From November 1st until December 1st, a man must not masturbate. Not only is this a test of fortitude, but it is also a way to massively increase sexual pleasure once the month concludes.
(cont.) This is why I highly recommend scheduling your masturbation days. Once every 30 days, take time for yourself to furiously ejaculate as much as your body can allow, and then wait patiently for the next scheduled day. Not only does this help general penile hygiene by drastically reducing the amount of seminal fluid that needs to be dabbed and scrubbed away by a kleenex or hastily wiped off with an old gym sock, but it also teaches one a great deal of willpower, self control, and fosters an appreciation for sexual release - all things that men must master if they wish to live happy, successful lives.
Depending on what anecdotes you are familiar with, you may have heard that eating fruits like pineapple can improve the fragrance and taste of your semen. Since fragrance and cleanliness is intrinsically linked, one would assume you would want the best smelling and tasting semen you could possibly have. However, through months of trial, error, and diet adjustment, I have been able to confirm beyond a shadow of a doubt that your semen will taste and smell objectively better if you only consume red meat. The feminized tastes and smells of assorted fruits and sugary greens only serve to further the subjugation of the masculine ideal in the Western world.
(cont.) After months of experimenting with my diet, coupled with extensive testing, I have found the only way to maintain a penis that is both masculine and clean is to only eat red meat. Instead of your semen tasting like the kind of drink a girl in a sorority would put a little paper umbrella in, it should taste the drippings from a choice cut of porterhouse and the smell of a gymnasium.
My traumatizing encounter with a spoonful of apple cider vinegar has been well-documented and oft-discussed at this point. During my quest to find out how to make my semen the most palatable it could be, I made the tactical error of ingesting the horrid substance. As you may know, I spent the next 28 days awake, paralyzed in bed, gripped by existential dread. What you may not know is the full story, which is first being published in this space in hope that I can lead others to avoid the mistake that I made. The truth is that immediately after ingesting the apple cider vinegar, my altered psychological state led me to immediately pour the rest of the bottle on my penis and begin using the foul-smelling fluid as a lubricant.
(cont.) I brought myself to orgasm seven times in thirty minutes, taste-testing as I went, and I truly believe this is what did the damage to my body, the damage that left me bedridden and fearing for my life, even leading me to question the nature of my beliefs. Needless to say, apple cider vinegar is the antithesis to penile hygiene.
12 Rules for Life is full advice for men and boys across the globe, and it has some of my most important and most successful penis washing tips printed among it. I would feel like a fraud if I just repurposed material from my best-selling book for this website. It would be intellectually dishonest of my to reprint material, word for word, and so instead I implore you to purchase my book 12 Rules for Life: An Antidote to Chaos as promptly as possible for the vast wealth of penis-based knowledge it contains. If you happen to live in New Zealand, this tip does not apply to you.
You have a penis. This is a fact. You understand that the reason you have this penis is because you are a man. This is a fact. But do you understand the penis itself? Do you appreciate the intricate functionality of it? Do you admire the aesthetics of a properly shaped, perfectly formed human penis? Do you take the time to truly grasp what the penis means to you? Do you ever wait for your penis to become completely flaccid and then push it into your body or tuck it between your legs like Buffalo Bill? If you haven’t, you cannot truly appreciate and understand your penis. If you do not understand your penis, you cannot make sure it’s properly cleaned.
(cont.) Certain denominations of Christianity say thing such as “Cleanliness is next to Godliness”, and I would propose they are almost correct. Godliness is an incredibly concrete and easily understood concept that has no bearing on anything in a man’s life, but the understanding of the penis as a construct is truly one of the single greatest questions in life. Cleanliness is next to Understanding the Penis, and if you ever wish to be adjacent to masculinity in this feminized world, you must understand your penis.
Before you close this page, allow me to implore you - if you are not already circumcised, go make an appointment with the nearest Rabbi you can find. I have been told that in there are even some CVS Pharmacies in the Northeastern United States that will perform circumcision as a part of their Minute Clinic programme. Foreskin may increase sexual pleasure, but it also massively decreases the aesthetic value of a man’s penis, and a man’s penis is his truest and most important connection his masculinity.
(cont.) We’ve already discussed ways in which a man may increase his sexual pleasure and train himself to have incredible willpower and mental fortitude, so why sacrifice the pure aesthetic bliss of a perfectly circumcised penis? The slightly shining, rounded head. The cuff of skin around it, resembling a fleshy turtleneck sweater. The way in which the skin can be moved up and down the shaft. The slight swell and presentation of the organ as a man becomes aroused in a way that only masculinity can allow. Why would any man who values art, who values aesthetic, willingly enter a place of higher education or a Forbes 500 business with a penis that looks like a sad, newly-divorced anteater?
(cont.) I came to this realization as I began my post-graduate work at McGill, and got my circumcision as quickly as I could. For the first time in my life, I could truly say I appreciated the truly beauty of the clean male penis. I remember spending hours gazing at it in a floor length mirror, wearing nothing but a pair of socks and white Reeboks.
For your convenience, I will transcribe the Five Steps of Handwashing as approved by the American Center for Disease Control to apply to your penis instead:
If you’ve followed my tips, you’ve already come as close to the masculine ideal as you possibly can. If you’re not entirely to the peak male you hoped you could be, there are always herbal and medical supplements to help you resist your forced feminization at the hands of postmodernism. The enemies of masculinity are simply too numerous and too zealous to be completely defeated through discipline and behavior alone, and that’s why you can enter the coupon code PETERSON for a 12% discount on Male Enhancement products in most E-Commerce areas. Together with my tips, you will secure your masculinity, and your clean penis, for life.
-- Jordan A. Peterson